“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
You Might Also Like
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
peep davidson
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?