Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
You Might Also Like
motivation
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.