Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
You Might Also Like
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 馃槈
#nofilter
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I鈥檓 happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
He said it鈥檚 canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 馃檪
Sunday
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Oh wow. It鈥檚 so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
You don鈥檛 have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together