Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.