Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit