I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that