2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
You Might Also Like
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it