I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.