Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
When the stylist spins you back around
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”