bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.