Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
You Might Also Like
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
💁🏻♂️
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven