You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house