Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
You Might Also Like
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim