Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I can’t stop laughing at this
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*limbos away from your hug*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome