People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
at ease…shoulder.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you know, you know