I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader