I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
#NeverForget
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My daily affirmation
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY