My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”