My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*