My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
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My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”