Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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Can. I. Help. You.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.