What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
lol
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
giddy up Office Depot
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.