Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”