*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Ion see the issue
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.