Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
finally found a reasonable question
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!