BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.