*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Not all heroes wear capes…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”