OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
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What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys