thanksgiving should be called feaster
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The glockness monster
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.