Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
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The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.