I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”