Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
*limbos away from your hug*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*