Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying