Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Simple enough.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
absolutely not
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much