I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.