If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
went fishing caught a bass
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.