*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Same pineapple, same
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
How animals would run if they were human
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get