[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
You Might Also Like
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.