me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
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next level snooze
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.