We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.