As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
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My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.