Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
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Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have