Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Reporter: *ports again*
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want