Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”