papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Breaking news:
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]