doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS