in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
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Not messing around
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?