my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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Put the is in disheveled
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Still a very good boi….
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together