Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
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I am never leaving this website
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground