Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong